


Thanksgiving at the Waynes

by AlmondRose



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: AHHHHHHHHHHHH, Gen, Secret identites, humor probably, i probably missed some people too rip, so many tagssss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 12:40:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8286178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmondRose/pseuds/AlmondRose
Summary: Lois finds herself at Wayne Manor for Thanksgiving dinner. And Clark was right, this is a mess.





	

“You okay, Smallville?” Lois asked, crossing her arms and staring down at her friend. He looked up at her, his eyes wide and mopey and his shoulders slumped even more than usual. 

 

“No,” he said sadly. 

 

“What’s the issue?” Lois asked. She hoped it wasn’t something too touchy-feely. 

 

“Thanksgiving,” Clark moaned, burying his face in his hands. 

 

“What? Going to your parents is an issue?”

 

“That’s the thing,” Clark said, his voice muffled. “I’m not going to my parents. I’m going to my friend’s house, and he has eighty million kids, and I’m afraid--well, not  _ afraid,  _ but--” He groaned into his hands. Lois blinked. 

 

“Well,” she said. “There can’t be  _ that  _ many.” Clark lifted his head from his hands and started to count on his fingers before he stopped and looked at her. 

 

“I literally can’t remember all of them,” he said. “And I probably don’t know all of them, either. This is gonna be a  _ disaster.”  _

 

Lois rolled her eyes. “You’ll be fine. You’re good with people.”

 

“Yes, but--”

 

“Oh, come  _ on.  _ Do you need moral support or something?” Clark brightened visibly. 

 

“Maybe,” he said. “Are you offering?”

 

“I don’t have any plans this year,” Lois said, shrugging. “And as long as your friend doesn’t mind--”

 

“I’ll call him now!” Clark said, and he pulled out his phone and dialed quickly. “Hey Bruce!...No, no emergency….I was just wondering if Lois...Lois Lane, you know, if she could come with me for Thanksgiving dinner?....Wow that’s positive...for the last time I have never been a Boy Scout--oh.” Clark took his phone from his ear and frowned at it, then put it in his pocket. He turned to Lois. “Good news! He said yes!”

 

“Which Bruce is this?” Lois asked, feeling suddenly uneasy. 

 

“Oh,” Clark said. “Bruce Wayne.”

 

Lois wondered what she had gotten herself into. 

 

\------

 

“Turn down here, I think,” Clark said, pointing. Lois scowled at him. 

 

“How do you not know where he lives?” she asked, turning down the road indicated. 

 

“I do,” Clark said sheepishly. “I just--I’m bad with directions?”

 

“To be fair, I’ve been here like a million times and I don’t know how to drive there, either,” Conner said, sticking his head between the front seats. Lois, when she agreed to drive Clark to Gotham, had been unaware she was also agreeing to chaffeur his two kids. 

 

“Do you even have a driver's license?” Kara asked.  Lois could see the blonde crossing her arms from the back seat. 

 

“Yes,” Conner said. He paused. “A permit.” Kara laughed and Lois groaned. 

 

“Is it close?” 

 

“I think so,” Clark said. “Turn there!”  Lois made a sharp turn down the path she almost missed, and it wasn’t long before she pulled up the long, long driveway to Wayne Manor. She parked and got out of the car. 

 

“How are you friends with Brucie Wayne again?” she asked. Clark shrugged. 

 

“Not sure how it happened.” 

 

“Might have something to do with Kon making out with Tim all the time,” Kara said, getting out of the car and holding a pie. 

 

“I do not!” Conner said. 

 

“Do too,” Kara said and Clark sighed.

 

“I thought you guys were more mature than this,” he said. 

 

“You thought wrong,” Conner said, and he led the way up to the front door. He pushed it open without knocking. 

 

“WE’RE HERE,” he hollered. Almost immediately, a flood of voices greeted Lois. 

 

“Run, Grayson, the abominations are here!” 

 

“KON?” 

 

“Damian, chill out--”

 

“WHERE ARE YOU, TIM?”

 

“Is Kara here yet--”

 

“I’m coming up, Cass!”

 

“Has anyone seen Harper, she’s supposed to be here?”

 

“How the hell did you even get here, Cullen?”

 

“I’m pretty sure Bruce is “downstairs” downstairs, hold on--”

 

“Is Jason coming? I need to be emotionally prepared!”

 

“DAMIAN CLEAN UP THE MESS YOUR COW MADE!”

 

“BAT-COW IS INCAPABLE OF WRONG, GORDON!”

 

“May I take your coat, Miss Lane?” a voice asked and Lois turned from the commotion to face an elderly man she recognized from some Wayne Enterprises events. 

 

“S-sure,” she said, handing it to him. “You’re Bruce’s butler, right?”

 

“Alfred Pennyworth,” he said. He turned to Clark, Kara and Conner having long escaped into the chaos of noise around her. “Nice to see you, Master Clark.”

 

“You too, Alfred,” Clark said, and he smiled blindingly. “Oh, here, Ma sent a pie--”

 

“This will be lovely,” Alfred said, taking the dish. “I believe Master Bruce will be up in but a moment, but I believe there is adult company in the gardens.” 

 

“Like who?” Lois asked, following Clark outside. He shrugged. 

 

“It could be anyone, really, I mean--” He stopped as an odd assortment of people greeted them. A strikingly beautiful woman with dark hair and tan skin, a shorter woman with short black hair and green eyes, a man with red hair and a moustache, and a blond man who was buzzing with excitement. The company turned to them as Lois and Clark approached. The blond ran over to Clark and hugged him. 

 

“Hey, Barry,” Clark said. “What brings you here--”

 

“Just wanted to say hi before it’s dinner time. I was gonna drop by everyone, but what do I find out that you and Diana were at Bruce’s? Really convenient, if you ask me. Anyways, I’m off. Gotta find Hal, if he’s even home, who knows, and Arthur, although that one may be harder,” he said all in a rush. “See ya, Clark! Bye Lois!” He ran off quickly, and Clark had a faint smile on his face before he turned to the others. Lois wondered how Barry knew who she was. 

 

“Ka--Clark!” the tall woman said, coming over to him and giving him a hug. Lois stood awkwardly next to them. “And you must be Lois,” the woman said, breaking from her hug. Lois nodded. “I am Diana.” Lois looked at her, and blinked. 

 

“W-wonder Woman?” she whispered. 

 

“Yes, sister, that I am,” Diana said, laughing. “Come, you must meet James Gordon and Selina Kyle.” Diana-- _ Wonder Woman _ \--led Lois and Clark over to the duo. Lois looked at Clark and mouthed,  _ “You know Wonder Woman??” _

 

_ “Yeah,”  _ Clark mouthed back.  _ “It was an accident.”  _ Lois couldn’t believe him. The others turned to them as they approached. 

 

“Clark, darling,” Selina said, and she hugged him, too. Lois ignored them and walked up to James Gordon. 

 

“Lois Lane,” she said. 

 

“Of the  _ Daily Planet _ ?” Gordon asked. “Nice to meet you. I’m James Gordon, the--”

 

“Commissioner of the GCPD, I know,” Lois said. “Do you know why Wonder Woman’s here?”

 

“Is this an interview, Miss Lane?” Gordon asked, but he was smiling. “To be honest, I have my suspicions as to why Wonder Woman is here tonight, but I doubt Bruce would ever confirm them.” Lois wondered if that meant that Wonder Woman and Bruce Wayne were dating. She turned around just in time for Selina to come over to her. 

 

“Hello, Lois, right?” she asked. 

 

“Selina, right?” Lois mimicked, shaking her hand. 

 

“Uh, Selina, your friends aren’t--” Clark started. Selina laughed. 

 

“Oh, no, they’re busy,” she said, baring her teeth in an almost feral grin. “In fact, you might want to ask the Commish here where they are.” 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Gordon asked. “Unless you hang out with criminals--” Selina laughed again, and Clark had his face in his hands, and Diana looked poised to--do something, Lois wasn’t sure--and Lois was just bewildered. 

 

“Ah, the gang’s all here!” a voice said and Lois turned to see Brucie Wayne himself stumbling towards them. “Diana, good to see you--” He kissed her hand-- “James, wonderful as ever--” They shook hands-- “Lois, my dear--” He kissed her hand, too, and Lois squinted at him--”And Clark!” He patted the other man’s shoulder and Clark looked offended-- “Selina--” She kissed him and Clark frowned and Lois was confused. “Was Barry here?”

 

“Yes,” Diana said. “He wanted to wish you a happy Thanksgiving.”

 

“Well, I’ll have to let him know I got the memo,” Brucie said, chuckling. James pinched his nose above his glasses. 

 

“Nobody here is fooled, Bruce, drop the act,” he said. 

 

“What act?” Brucie asked innocently. 

 

“Bruce….” Gordon said sternly. Selina sniggered. Lois looked around at everyone. Diana and Clark seemed exasperated. Lois sighed. 

 

“Honestly, Wayne, if you’re worried about me telling, I’m on vacation. Off record. You can drop whatever act you’re doing,” she said. Brucie’s eyes dated from person to person, then it was suddenly like a mask she’d never noticed dropped off his face. His posture changed, and the smile turned into a frown, and his eyes were suddenly gleaming with intelligence. 

 

“Alfred says dinner’s almost ready,” he said. “I have to go round up the kids.”

 

“I’ll come help,” Clark said. 

 

“I don’t need help,” Bruce growled, then he stalked away. Lois blinked at the total 180. Diana and Clark were smiling, though. 

 

“God, I hate Brucie,” Gordon said. “Shall we go inside?” They did, and Alfred directed them to the long, long dining room table. As soon as they sat down, three people appeared and came inside.

 

“I mean, he’s been throwing a big fit because we’re eating a turkey,” Dick Grayson said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“You  _ have  _ vegetarian options,” a red haired girl who resembled James Gordon pointed out. 

 

“No, the idea of eating turkey offends him,” Dick said. 

 

“Apparently he has a pet,” an unfamiliar boy said. “Named Jerry.”

 

“Why is he like this,” the redhead sighed. 

 

“Are you talking about Damian?” Bruce’s newest ward, Duke Thomas, said, walking in with a blonde girl with buzzed hair. 

 

“Who else?” the redhead grumbled. 

 

“He has a turkey named Jerry?” the blonde asked, sitting down. The others took their places as well. Before anyone could answer her, a shout came from the confines of the manor. 

 

“I TOLD YOU, KON AND I DO  _ NOT  _ MAKE OUT!” 

 

“OH MY GOD, CASSIE, GIVE IT A BREAK!”

 

“IT WAS ONLY ONCE!”

 

“YEAH! WAIT--TIM!” Dick and the other kids sniggered. Lois raised her eyebrow as Kara and another blonde came running in, laughing their heads off. Tim Drake-Wayne and Conner came in after, clearly chasing them. Tim skid to a stop while Conner tackled the girls. 

 

“Hey, there, sorry, nothing to worry about,” he said. “Oh, hey Lois!” Lois waved dully and Tim raced around the table to help Kon with the girls. 

 

Bruce appeared and with one glare got the boys and girls to separate and sit. 

 

“Hey there, I’m Cassie,” the second blonde said, leaning across the table to shake Lois’s hands. “I’m with Diana.” Lois realized as Cassie switched to Gordon that that meant she was Wonder Girl. Lois was strangely okay with that. 

 

“I’m Claire,” the girl with the short short hair said. “I, um, don’t know any of you.” She went around the table as Lois looked at the redhead.

 

“And you are…?”

 

“Oh! Barbara Gordon, nice to meet you,” she said, shaking her hand. “That’s my dad.”

 

“Ah, okay,” Lois said as the last boy introduced himself as Cullen. 

 

“Speaking of, is Harper here yet?” Dick asked. Cullen shrugged just as two girls came into the room, one with purple hair and the other Cassandra Cain-Wayne. 

 

“Speak of the devil,” Cullen said and the girls sat down. The purple girl introduced herself as Harper Row, Cullen’s sister, and after she shook Clark’s hand Cass leaned in to whisper something in her ear and she went pale. Clark gave her a reassuring smile and Harper made a fake-smile back. 

 

“Is that everyone?” Lois asked, before she noticed the lack of Damian and the several empty chairs. 

 

“Still waiting on--”

 

“Hey!” a voice called. “Sorry I’m late!”

 

“Not her,” Bruce growled. “Who invited her?”

 

“WHO INVITED YOU, BROWN?” a small voice yelled. 

 

“YOUR MOM!” the girl’s voice yelled back. “SORRY THAT WAS MEAN! IT WAS ALFRED AND CASS!”

 

“NOT SURPRISED,” the boy’s voice responded, sounding like he was coming closer. 

 

“BY THE WAY I BROUGHT MY MOM,” she yelled again. 

 

“No need to yell, Steph,” Dick called. “We’re in the dining room!”

 

“Alrighty!” Steph said cheerfully, emerging. She had an older woman with her who she resembled, as well as Damian Wayne. She introduced her mom as Crystal around the table, then turned to Damian. 

 

“See, kid, you’re the last one here so I think you were waiting for me,” she said. 

 

“I was not!” Damian said, his face going red. Steph chuckled and ruffled his hair. 

 

“Why are there so many people here?” Lois asked as Alfred brought out the food. 

 

“Bruce has a  _ big  _ family,” Tim said. 

 

“How many of you--”

 

“I’d say that Cassie and you and  _ maybe  _ Crystal are the only ones here not actually considered to be family by Bruce,” Dick said. “If I’m judging this accurately.”

 

“Clark is not--” Bruce said, then he cut off. “Maybe.” Selina laughed. 

 

Alfred said a quick prayer, then he sat down and they all started to eat. It was mostly quiet, albeit a few bickers from the kids, for about twenty minutes before Lois heard the back door open and a voice call out, “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

 

“Did you bring your dad?” Bruce asked as a red haired woman tromped inside. She shed her jacket and threw it on the back of a chair. 

 

“He had a date or something, I dunno,” the woman said. She sat down and took a survey of the room. “Okay, so you guys I know---” She made a sweeping gesture at the kids and Bruce--- “And I know Gordon, but I don’t know you--” She pointed to Lois, Clark, Kara, and Kon--”I know who Wonder Woman is but I doubt she knows me, and what the  _ hell  _ is Selina Kyle doing here?”

 

“Eating, same as you,” Selina purred as everyone rushed to introduce themselves. 

 

“Kate Kane,” the woman said, leaning back in her chair. “Bruce’s cousin.” Lois nodded and stared at the foreboding last four chairs. She couldn’t possibly conceive even  _ more  _ people coming, and it was a while, minor food fight, and three arguments before someone did. 

 

“WHAT UP PEASANTS I’M HERE,” a male voice yelled, accompanied by a loud bang that led Lois to believe the door was kicked open. Dick beamed and Tim groaned. Bruce remained impassive although Lois thought she saw a sparkle in his eye. 

 

“DID YOU BRING THE GOODS?” Dick hollered. 

 

“What goods?” a man with black and white hair asked, coming into the room with his arms out wide. “The babes or the kid?”

 

“Don’t talk like that,” Damian grumbled as the man beamed. 

 

“Because I brought both,” he said, tugging a red haired man holding a black haired little girl and a woman with fiery orange skin and bright bright green eyes and  _ amazing  _ hair into the room. 

 

“Good to see you guys!” Dick said cheerfully. 

 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Bruce grated and the black and white haired man’s eyebrows went up. 

 

“There was an unspoken ‘and not at Oliver Queen’s’ at the end of that sentence, right? Everyone heard that?” he said. 

 

“I certainly did,” Steph said. “Now sit down before I eat all the mashed potatoes.”

 

“Noooo,” the little girl wailed and the red haired man laughed. All four sat down, introducing themselves as Jason, Roy, Kori, and Lian. 

 

“By the way, B,” Jason said, shoveling his plate full of food. “Guess who we saw when we were coming up here?”

 

“Talia al Ghul,” Roy cut in, not letting Bruce guess. Bruce’s eyebrows went up, as did Lois’s and Damian’s. 

 

“Is she coming up here?” Bruce asked as Damian gaped and Steph patted his back. 

 

“We prevented her from wishing to join you,” Kori said. “Jason said it was the correct thing to do.”

 

“No, it totally was,” Tim said. 

 

“I would've liked to meet her,” Selina mused. 

 

“Yeah, but you hang out with--” Dick’s words were cut off by a sharp jab to the ribs by Babs. Dick looked sheepish. 

 

“At least this is everyone, right?” Lois asked, feeling a little desperate. She could see why Clark had been so freaked out about coming here. 

 

“Probably,” Bruce said. Lois tried to make a pleasant face over her internal screaming. 

 

\-----

 

“The kitchen only burned down once, Damian only pulled his knife out four times, and nobody died,” Dick ticked off. “So it was pretty tame.”

 

“Pretty tame?” Lois repeated. She was pretty sure she was going to have nightmares about this day for a long, long time.

 

“Yeah, I mean you should’ve seen Christmas last year,” Steph said. “Now there’s a doozy.”

 

“Why were you even here last year?” Jason asked. “You don’t live here.”

 

“Neither do you, Zombie Boy,” Steph retorted and Lois turned away from them just as a window shattered. 

 

“HEYA!” a voice yelled and everyone around the table except for Lois, Kon, Kara, Crystal, Diana, and Cassie froze. Selina’s mouth stretched into a huge smile. Lois turned to see a blonde climbing in the window, a redhead right behind her. 

 

“We heard you were havin’ a party without us,” the blonde pouted. 

 

“So we decided to pop by, see what the hype was,” the redhead said. “I must say, you have quite a gathering here today.” Gordon stood up.

 

“You girls were in Arkham!” he said, and Lois realized who they were with a sinking feeling of dread. 

 

“Ehh, not anymore,” Harley Quinn said. “They let us out for good behavior!”

 

“Now _ there’s  _ a joke,” Poison Ivy said. 

 

“It’s funny, Brucie,” Harley said. “You’ll invite Selina here but’chu won’t invite lil old me?” She batted her eyelashes. 

 

“Clark,” Bruce said, his voice mainly steady. Clark stood up suddenly. 

 

“I have to go to the bathroom,” he said and he left. Lois rose an eyebrow and hoped Clark would survive the night. 

 

“Now, Brucie,” Ivy said. “This is a very nice house you have here.”

 

“Be a shame if somethin’ happened to it,” Harley said cheerfully. “Now although we want some pie--”

 

“We also want every diamond and painting in the house,” Ivy said. 

 

“They have a fair smattering of plants,” Selina offered and Ivy smiled. 

 

“And every plant in the house.”

 

“Oh, my Master Bruce, whatever shall we do?” Alfred asked and Superman appeared behind them. Lois wasn’t even surprised, this day was so weird. 

 

“Come away, girls,” he said, grabbing the backs of their shirts. 

 

“Aw, come on, Supes, you’re no fun,” Harley pouted. 

 

“I told you we should’ve laid low,” Ivy hissed.

 

“Miss Kyle?” Superman asked. Selina stepped around everyone and held out her hand. 

 

“Might as well,” she said. “Maybe the turkey sandwiches in Arkham won’t be miserable this time around. And since you’re taking me in, I feel obligated to mention that I have  _ not  _ robbed any events recently.”

 

“I’ll send Batman to make sure of that,” Superman said, taking her hand and flying the three girls away. Bruce made an irritated noise and Gordon said loudly, “So Selina is Catwoman?” 

 

“And Clark is Superman?” Lois said. “So you’d be--” When she turned around, Kara and Conner were gone. “Ah. Okay. Whatever. What’s a little Thanksgiving cheer without secrets revealed?”

 

“Actually, last Thanksgiving--”

 

“I don’t even want to know,” Lois said, shaking her head. “I really, really don’t.” 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked! Comments and kudos are always welcome!


End file.
